you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
