If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
