Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
