you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
