Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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