I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
