Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
