I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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