dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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