Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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