I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
