got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
