I think my fart just growled at me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
