it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Who died my cat blue again?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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