do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
