From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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