Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
