Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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