The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
