I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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