How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
