So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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