TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
