I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Randomize
