Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm really busy with my period
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