she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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