New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
is wine microwaveable?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
