You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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