He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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