the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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