My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
