I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
