considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
