is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
