I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
