remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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