i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Drake has all the answers
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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