Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
