tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
