Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
