Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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