I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
