i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
