last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
They are going to name an STD after you.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
