I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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