he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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