Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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