I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
