Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
