So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
