when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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