I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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